This is very likely one of the hardest stories I have ever given.
At this age I was drinking and smoking pot, I can clearly remember being absolutely intoxicated and wondering how I was going to get through the front door and face my mother.
For around about one year I remember sneaking through windows, blatantly lying and lashing out to cover my tracks as best as I could.
I was fooling no-one and after a period of time I just stopped coming home.
By the age of fourteen I had found my drug of choice and instead of having to cover intoxication I was now trying to hide track mark from needles all over my arms. By this stage I was in complete denial of anything wrong, myself, and thought it was everyone else who had a problem.
Life experiences and family situations took me down an extremely difficult road for a number of years. I had lost all contact with family – it was me only in a world I wanted to hide from.
This behaviour of denial completely shut off from everyone else continued to the age of 22 years when I gave birth to my son. I remember thinking that he was going to be my answer to everything – my addiction my loneliness. Sadly within a couple of months I had realised this was not the case and was back using again. After a while I had lost all self-worth and dignity and no longer cared about the person everyone else thought they could see or what they were saying. By this stage I now had two children and I was a drug dependant mother and had lost my will in life. I was in complete and utter denial of my addiction. I remember as clear as if it was yesterday looking at myself in the mirror and repeating I could stop tomorrow but I just don’t want to.
Truth is that denial kept me safe, it kept me from feeling abandonment, abuse, life and emotions. At the age of 28 after my second child I was hospitalised for organ failure. I had a hospital room full of doctors. I was 37kilos, an absolute mess and I was being told if I did not stop using heroin I would not live to see the end of the year.
Even after hearing that it was not nearly enough to stop me. So at this stage I have two kids a substance abuse problem and my body is giving away on me. When I think of denial it really is to me a make or break thing. I remember sitting in my bathroom with my two children asleep on the couch. My body was that frail and broken and destroyed, I could not find a vein to inject through.
That night I sat in the bathroom for three hours and it wasn’t until I had blood running all over me that I looked at myself in the mirror and I had no idea who the person staring back at me was. It had taken nearly 29 years of which nearly 17 years being substance abuse that I finally asked myself the question, “What am I doing to myself?” “This is not what I want for me or my kids who am I?”
I used to hide stuff in my mother’s room as she would check my room but not think to look in her room for it. I also had stuff in the car under the carpet. I had the carpet cut so I could get to it but it was not obvious to others that was the reason for the cut.
I would sit on the bath and inject while the shower was going to hide the fact of what I was doing.
A lot of the drugs I kept on myself so she could not find them.
I just lied to my mother and family about my problem for as long as I could, then just didn’t care what they thought for years. No matter what tears they cried – however eventually I changed and decided I wanted to get better myself and now have an open and real relationship with my family. My life is now like the picture I once dreamed of.
I graduated from other rehabs but it was done for my mother not me. Finally I decided I needed to get help for me and my children and found Fresh Hope. After having two goes at rehab with Fresh Hope I have finally graduated and recently got married and have this week done a test that shows that I am pregnant.
I am sooooooo happy and loving life.